IntenseCity

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 20:02:00 GMT

Hey what's up?

My job is going okay so far, been there almost a month now.
It's starting to get a bit easier and my pace is improving.
My lil' hospital scrubs are quite noice I must say lol ugly
I'm lucky I look good in navy anyway. Some people needa get fired
or quit so I can get more hours, right now I'm only getting like
3 - 5 shifts a week and some of those are half days because it's slow.

Only setback I've come across is the day before I started work I
changed my belly ring to a really cute dangling ring, and just the other day
I must have hit it on something and it's flared up, all red and so sore, so I went
back to my piercer and he changed it out for me with just a plain banana bell
with one gem which won't be forced upwards when I'm bending and crouching at work.
So hopefully that heals soon, it's really bothersome.

I'm scheduled for Wed, Thurs, Sat and Sun this week hopefully I don't get called off
I need the cash, my first check was so shitty. I think I've lost another 10 lbs since
I started working which is awesome, I've never worked so hard in my life.

I've got a baby shower to go to for my best friend on the 7th. I dunno though,
am I the only person who finds gift registries to be kind of pushy? I don't think
it's right to basically tell someone what to buy you. I mean yeah I'm all for getting
a gift the person can actually use but damn where's the surprise and fun of choosing a gift
when you're handed a list of items that you have to choose from? I dunno maybe I'm being a bitch
it just seems weird to me. Anyways this is a pretty long entry which is so not like me so I'll
end it now.

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 06:05:10 GMT

How do you love someone
That hurts you oh so bad
With intentions good
Was all he ever had

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Maybe love is a hopeless crime
Giving up what seems your lifetime
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

I know now I was naïve
Never knew where this would lead
And I'm not trying to take away
From the good man that he is

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Was it something wrong that we did
Because others infiltrated
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

Is this the end are you sure
How should you know when you've never been here before
It's so hard to just let go
When this is the one and only love I've ever known

So how do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 04:06:43 GMT

I'm seriously falling apart.
My relationship is over.
My heart is broken.
As much as I always said I didn't want to go on,
that shit wasn't true.
I am in shock right now.

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 05:27:57 GMT

I want to meet someone new. I've just recently realized this were true.
In the past I had no interest in anyone else but "him" the thought never seemed to cross my mind.
I guess now because it's Summer and people are actually outside and doing things it's starting to bother me that I don't do anything really.
It irritates me that it's so hard to find good " girl " friends. I've always had a problem with that. As it is I have about 2. That's just not enough. I want " girls night out's " and all that.
Those are my best memories from back in highschool when things weren't so serious and I wasn't wasting my life away waiting on someone to finally get here and start our lives together when I know damn well that shit isn't happening anytime soon. I've been told many times I can do better, and why do I limit myself, I know and I don't know. I myself know that I can do better but what is it going to take for me to break this cycle of self inflicted pain.
The thing is people always assume that I'm afraid to be alone but how can that be if all along I've been " alone " for 6 yrs basically with the exception of 6 months when he lived with me... Otherwise I've been alone that entire time. I don't know, I'm just rambling I guess it feels better to get it out and I know I haven't written lately so I decided I should.

On a side note tonight is my sister's school bbq which I'm going to. Hopefully that'll be alright, they have draws and contests so maybe I'll win something.
Well I think thats it for today's entry.

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 00:33:01 GMT

I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might ruin you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of him being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same by myself
Callin' him your name
Fellas tell me do you understand?
Now all my girls do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know he ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my baby back
Ooo ooo ooo ooooh
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my booo
You've been gone for too long
It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours
I'mma be burnin' til you return (let it burn)

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might ruin you
Let it burn (let it burn, let it burn, you gon'learn)
Let it burn (gotta let it burn)
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know its best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of him being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh)
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh
Ooh ooh oooh (can ya feel me burnin'?)
Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh

So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might ruin you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of him being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 20:28:12 GMT

I don't know why it is that I'm so easy to lie to. But apparently I am. Right now I'm not even sure how I feel. I'm sort of numb. The reason I'm shocked isn't really a big thing but I just didn't expect to hear it. I'm telling myself how to deal with this situation but inside it's killing me. I have to stop talking to him. Time and time again he's proved to me that I cannot trust him, and why would I want that in a marriage? Never knowing if what he says is the truth or fiction made up to prevent me from preaching to him what is right and whats wrong. I feel like I have such a big heart and it was taken advantage of. Believe me I'm not looking for everyone to say " It's okay hes a jerk just get rid of him " I've heard it a million times, I'm just trying to get the strength to actually do it instead of digging myself deeper like I have been for 5 yrs now. I hate what he's done that has fooled me into thinking that I am worthless and that I don't deserve better then what he's given. I pray that one day he'll regret what he's done and then he can suffer like I have.

Another picture of me, blah.

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 04:13:53 GMT

Hey, long time no update. What's up? Nothing new here really. I just got over being sick last week I'm so glad that's over. I lost 10 lbs though! Go me. It's still cold here, I wish this crap would end ( Winter ) I think this coming weekend it's supposed to warm up a bit. My sister is finally going back to school March Break is OVER! ( Spring Break for the Americans )Don't get me wrong I love her and everything but she can be annoying as hell. I'm dying to shop. I haven't really bought much since Christmas. There's so much cute stuff out there for Spring. I don't know what else to talk about really so I'll just post a pic of me since I never do.

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 07:09:24 GMT

Well, as tradition goes it must be nearing a holiday because I'm having 5 - 6 fights with my bf a day now. I know I say this alot but I'm losing hope with this. I wish I could just meet someone who would make me forget all my past, so I could just move on without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. This shit is so hard. I definitely wish that we had never met at this point. I dunno why but the respect level keeps falling and it's tearing me apart. I really no longer feel like I'm special or that I'm attractive in any way because he makes me feel like I'm worth nothing. This is where it gets to the point where I can blame myself though because I let him make me feel that way. And years ago when we first met I blew off all my friends to spend more time with him and now I basically have nobody. Not to mention, when you feel low you're not exactly in the right frame of mind to get out and meet new people at least I'm not being that I'm naturally shy anyways. I wish I could make a miracle happen. I wish that everything could go back to what it used to be with us, but I know it can't. I can't make him change, I think this is who he really was all along.

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 05:52:23 GMT

Hey! Well yesterday it was my 23rd birthday. It actually was pretty shitty until today hit. I had my grandparents over for dinner my mom cooked me roast beef as I requested and mashed potatos carrots etc. Then we had the cake and all that... My grandma got me the cutest calendar of " American Eskimo " dogs, which is what my dog is. and 20 dollars Aha. My other grandparents gave me 30. So yeah I took that money and put it toward a digital camera today, and my bf got me my Slider phone and put it on aplan which is great because I sold my old phone 2 weeks ago. My parents got me digital cable put in my room so now I dont have to share the tv with anyone which is even better. So all in all my " late " bday presents made up for the actual shitty bday. And yeah I don't party or anything so I obviously didn't go out and get " wasted " or anything it's just not my thing. Well I didn't sleep all that well last night so I'll update tommorrow maybe with some pictures once I figure out this camera. Goodnight.

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 21:23:05 GMT

Hey everyone I know I haven't updated in forever so I might as well now that I have no plans mon - fri. Most of you know that I'm in Arizona right now for Xmas. So far it's been alright. I haven't finished my Xmas shopping yet which has got me a bit worried. Being down here makes me forget it's even Xmas theres no snow!!! It just feels weird. Usually back home we have tons of snow and it just feels more like Xmas.

Last night I went tanning ( spray and normal ) Looks good. I've got 2 more to use which I'll do before Xmas as we have 2 dinners to go to Xmas Eve and Xmas so I want to look nice.

Our puppy is doing better he's sleeping right now, he is so adorable ;/ I'm going to miss him so much when I go home again in Jan. I won't miss him chewing everything up though. He chewed my brand new boots the day after I got them ;*( Right on the toe. Little fucker.

My parents are coming down here on the 30th to visit for a week which will be nice because I'm starting to feel a bit homesick right now. We might all go to San Diego or possibly Vegas again for a weekend I'm not sure though. Should be good. My bf's mother and boyfriend are planning to have a New Years Party I don't know if we'll be going or not. That could spell disaster drunken in-laws. Also my birthday is coming up YAY. I hope I do something fun this year. I already told my parents they have to take me out for dinner to the Mandarin which is a really nice chinese buffet back home. Hopefully someone will buy me my camera phone for my bday. I'll be 23! Wow I'm getting old quick. I don't think I like getting older.

My sister is growing up so fast she just turned 12 and she's got the bitchiest attitude ever. I feel so sorry for my mother. She had a hard time with me when I was that age and it looks like my sister is going to be a bigger challenge. I used to stay out late and not call, skip school etc. but I wasn't as rude to her as my sister seems to be. Oh well I guess time will tell.

Let me say that not having a washer and dryer is the fucking worst. I hate doing laundry at the laundry facility with EVERYONE else in this damn apartment complex. What a pain in the ass it is to get millions of quarters and carrying all your dirty clothes over there and WAITING there for the washer to finish so ppl don't steal your shit G H E T T O. I never realized how lucky I was to have a washer and dryer at home. It's hard to believe I've been here for like 3 weeks already. I forget what my bed at home feels like. Anyways I'll post a picture of my city ( home ) soon they have a camera downtown so when I find somehwere to host the pic I'll post it.

Story of my life...

Sun, 07 Sep 2003 07:39:42 GMT

I'm looking in the mirror at this woman down and out
She's internally dying and knew this was not what love's about
I don't want to be this woman the second time around
'Cause I'm waking up screaming
No longer believing
That I'm going to be around

Over and over I try
And over and over you lie
And over and over I cry

Over and over I try
And over and over you lie
And over and over I cry

Rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
Till you just rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe

See, I don't wanna hug my pillow late at night no more
I'm tossin' and turnin' and thinkin' about burnin' down these walls
I don't want to fuel this fire no more, no more, no more
See I made up my mind cause I wasted my time
Ain't nothing here to keep me warm

I'm so tired of the rain in my life
And I'm so tired of the strain
And I ain't gonna lie
'Cause sometimes I can't sleep at night
And this here it just don't seem right
Sometimes I just wonder why I almost let my life go by
Sometimes I can't sleep at night
And this here it just don't seem right
Sometimes I just wonder why I almost let my life go by

Fri, 05 Sep 2003 02:47:14 GMT

Someone seriously slap me.

I swear I am so stupid sometimes. I need to stop letting people make me feel low.

Tue, 19 Aug 2003 07:30:06 GMT

I got bored so I did this survey, I'll update later when I wake up.

last cigarette: few weeks ago
last kiss: sunday @ the airport
last good cry: 2 weeks ago
last library book checked out: dream meanings
last movie seen: american wedding
last book read: see 2 ?'s above
last cuss word uttered: fuck
last beverage drank: diet Coke
last food consumed: all dressed Crispers
last crush: Hmm
last phone call: austin
last tv show watched: that 70's show
last time showered: This morning @ 11
last shoes worn: guess Sandals
last cd played: mixed CD
last item bought: phone card
last downloaded: kazaa lite
last annoyance: keiko
last disappointment: not being able to take austin to the mandarin for dinner
last soda drank: diet coke
last thing written: stefani david ( doodling )
last word spoken: i love you , sweet dreams.
last sleep: last night
last im: raf
last sexual fantasy: had one an hour ago
last weird encounter: seeing my ex surprisingly
last ice cream eaten: mcdonalds soft serve
last time amused: reading raf's journal
last time wanting to die: i don't want to die
I FEAR: sickness and death
I HOPE: i live long and healthy
I FEEL: sleepy
I HIDE: not much
I DRIVE: nothing
I MISS: my boyfriend
I LEARNED: how to love
I NEED: sex and money
I THINK: i'm happy

current mood: calm, relaxed
current music: none
current taste: ?
current hair: messy
current annoyance: typing with these nails
current smell: tanning lotion on my skin
current thing i should be doing: sleeping or calling my bf
current desktop picture: none
current refreshment: water
current worry: that it's getting late

1. What do you most like about your body? my ass
2. And least? my stomach
3. How many fillings do you have? 2
4. Do you think you're good looking? i think im average
5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking? ha sometimes
6. Do you look like any celebrities? i've been told mila kunis, yasmine bleeth <- i wish

Going To The Chapel?!?

Thu, 31 Jul 2003 13:51:16 GMT

Ah it's Thursday already. I'm so nervous about this wedding on Saturday. I reaaaaaaaaaaally hope I don't mess it up in any way. The dress I have to wear looks horrible on me so I hope that isn't a sign of things to come.

I'm going out later on today with my grandmother to grab the last few things, pantyhose, a bodystocking to go under the dress, bobbypins for my hair and some makeup.

The wedding is at 3pm but I've got to go over to my best friends moms house early in the morning Saturday so the bride and other bridesmaid can do our hair, makeup and such. It's kind of exciting to be Maid of Honor but I'm just scared I don't want to trip or anything. I think I'll pray that I don't.

I'm also starting to get really anxious about next week, my bf is coming on the 7th. So I've got to get all ready for that as well. Plus I have another wedding to go to the following weekend, my cousins. So I have to find a damn dress and shoes within that time frame. There's way too much for me to worry about this is awful.

Wish me luck everyone I'm skurred.

Wed, 16 Jul 2003 20:29:58 GMT

I'm going crazy.

Sun, 06 Jul 2003 19:56:13 GMT

Hey! Well I still haven't made up my mind about the trip thing. There's moments when I'm lonely and think I should go, and then there's times when I think it would stupid of me to. I'm not sure what will happen. The airline tickets are still available I checked this morning. But I have to make up my mind VERY soon.

Regardless I'm getting my hair done this week ;/ Kinda scared but I must do something different. And if I decide to go on the trip I'll be getting my nails done also YAY. There's so much shit to do this week. I can't find any outfits I like really that wouldnt require buying a shit load of accesories n' stuff so I found this jumpsuit I want @ Baby Phat:

What do you think of it? I think it's cute and I'd get a tan colored like beach bag as my carry-on. I hope Laura gets on soon so I can ask her! This shit's expensive though $150!!! But then I figure it's like a complete outfit and I wouldn't have to go buy pants... a top... possibly a bra to go under whatever color the top was... Ah I'm an addict. Anyways I'm about to go make some lasagna for my family so I'll bbl ;)

Wed, 02 Jul 2003 03:44:11 GMT

Just an update. He's avoiding my calls no surprise. Oh well I'll stop calling then I guess. Things were cool for about 2 days.

I was supposed to be going out tonight to the fireworks for Canada Day with my " best friend " She was the one begging me to go and then she calls an hour beforehand and cancels. Bullshit. I was already getting my shit together and she calls to ruin it that pissed me off.

Last night I went tanning at my usual time and then up to the mall to try on my bridesmaid dress I found a cute one ( When I say cute I mean it's OKAY but not perfect because it has to be like a light bluey purple and I don't really like that color but oh well not my choice. ) So it fit pretty good and might I add I'm down 2 dress sizes thank you very much. Yay.

Been talking about flying to Arizona in the next few weeks, judging by how he's playing kiddy games with me though I might have changed my mind. Anyways not much else going on and I'm kind of bitchy. I think I'll go watch a movie, wash my piercing and go to bed. Goodnight.

August Wedding, what to wear?

Sun, 08 Jun 2003 20:10:22 GMT

HELP!

I have my cousins wedding coming up in August and I decided it's a good time to start looking for my dress to wear. I found this cute dress at Fredericks
Do you think it's too skankish or busty for a wedding ? I suppose I could wear a shawl for the most part if I feel uncomfortable with my ta ta's popping out.

Keep in mind the ceremony is being held outdoors and being August it'll be quite humid. I think the colors would look very cute on me.

Also I found this dress
Which is much more conservative butI don't like it as much as the other. What is your honest opinion? I'm hoping to order something online because I'd like to have a different dress than most of the guests which I'm sure they'll buy theirs here in Ontario, Canada. If you have any suggestions pls feel free.

What do you think?

Mon, 28 Apr 2003 01:42:11 GMT

Here is the photo I was talking about in the previous entry, what do you think about this cut and color - the red streaks.

<3 This Hat!

Thu, 06 Mar 2003 02:52:06 GMT

I WANT THIS HAT!*(Q&Y@!! IF ANYBODY KNOWS WHERE TO FIND ONE PLS LET ME KNOW PLS PLS!

P.S. and Goddamn Blu Cantrell is gorgeous ;(

Tue, 04 Mar 2003 07:52:54 GMT

Not a huge surprise but I've been having a rough couple of days. It's okay though I'm just starting to realize that I control my destiny. So if everything sucks it's because I'm making it that way. Bed is so inviting when I feel like this. I wish it would stay dark in my room so I could sleep longer.

Today I went and cashed my money order @ the bank and sent out my package that I have to return for an exchage of merchandise. I hope it gets there in time. I had ordered 2 pairs of jeans but one I bought too small and the other was too large. That's what pisses me off about clothing companies why can't they all be the damn same. I hate when sizing is all screwy. But anyhoo so I'm exchanging those 2 for a new pair that will fit me, a white split-cowl neck sweater and a pair of fishnet stockings. I'm not allowed to order anything else for awhile. But I do have my eye on a bottle of Chance by Chanel MMM I love the smell.

Well, it's time to shut everything down and go cuddle in my bed with my teddy ;( sad I know.

Mon, 24 Feb 2003 20:22:29 GMT

Hey, today my shipment from Victoria's Secret came. I ordered the Body By Victoria Add-A-Cup bra lol it doesn't really add a cup, least I don't think so but it pushes them up quite nicely. I also got the seamless matching panties they're comfy!!! I'm loving having an Angels card, but loving it a bit too much I've charged like like almost $200 already ;/ I'm being cut off at the moment.

EDIT: I can't show you the picture because the fuckers took it off the website and removed the catalog that it was in also... It's cute though It's dark blue looks like corduoroy, has little boyshort bottoms and a cute triangle top. YAY for me.

Mon, 24 Feb 2003 03:52:38 GMT

Oh my goodness I am so sick! My head feels so stuffy and tight youch! Tomorrow I'm definitely picking up some more medicine the stuff I've got isn't right for the symptoms I have. I hope this doesn't last long I feel awful. I know where I got it though my mom just got over the exact same thing.

Tonight I cooked lasagna for my family it was pretty good, although my side of it ( with no meat ) was tastier and looked more appetizing but oh well.

Fri, 14 Feb 2003 04:57:12 GMT

For the life of me I do not understand why men do something nice for you , then take it back and try and make you feel bad for wanting it. That shit pisses me off.

Help Me!

Mon, 03 Feb 2003 03:10:33 GMT

Okay, everyone I need your help. I'm trying to decide between these two items from Victoria's Secret. Which one should I get. Right or Left?